Life

Articles about my life, experiences, learnings and more

There are 150 posts filed in Life (this is page 10 of 30).

Five ways that worked for me to give up anger and hatred?

Like I said in my previous two articles on anger and forgiveness, you cannot enjoy life fully if you are carrying a grudge against someone. Forgiveness is about cleansing ourselves of the poison anger is. Forgiveness is moving on. Also, I pointed out what forgiveness is not. It is not absolving someone of a crime, and it not something good you do for the other person but for yourself. While it is all easy to say from a third person point of view, it can be immensely difficult to let go of the anger when actually faced with a situation ourselves.

Below I am listing five ways which have worked for me to give up my anger and hatred towards a specific person or situation –

1. Taking a time out
The most important factor here is time. Nobody expects a father to forgive the killer of his son immediately. His anger is rightfully justified. However, after a few months, he can. After an incident which has left us angry, the most important thing that has worked for me is to take a time out. Keep a distance from the person or situation you are angry at for a few days by doing something else or going somewhere else. This time away will help us see things in perspective and prevent us from doing something which we might regret later.

2. Genuine effort to understand the other person? What would I do if in their shoes?
After a cool off period and when you are at peace with yourself and not burning with rage, we all can make a genuine effort to understand the other person. What would you have done had you been in their shoes? Do you understand the other side fully? Under what circumstances they did what they did? If we can wisely try to see the other person’s point of view, we can understand their predicament better and maybe even empathize with the person on the other side.

grudge 3. Focus on the kind of person I want to be
Even if I am burning with anger, another thing which has worked for me is asking the question “What is the kind of person I want to be?“. Even if I have been wronged, do I want to be the person to spend my time and energy in staying angry and punishing the wrong-doer. Or do I want to be the person to love those who have harmed me and wishing for their wellness? After all, every religion asks us to love our enemies. As Buddha said, “Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.”

4. Taking a walk and doing something I love alone
You can not look from the other side’s perspective and try to understand their situation if you are not at peace with yourself. If you want to develop compassion, the first thing you need is being at peace. I try to take a long walk alone, or just sit with my eyes closed for some time. Spending some time in silence and just with my thoughts makes it easier for me to let go and forgive not only the other side, but myself too. Because my anger is doing more harm to me than the other person, the sooner I stop being a prisoner of the past the better it would be.

5. Communicate
If there is anything unspoken between me and the other party, I let it out. If the opposing party is not accessible or I might not be able to express it fully in front of him/her, I write my thoughts in an email / letter. Whether I send the letter is again, my choice, but I think it is very important to write down and express my thoughts. I express why I was angry, and that I give up my anger. I express about how difficult it has been for me, and how I have tried to see from the other person’s point of view. Once I write this letter, I go over it two or three times and strike off the lines which I think are not necessary. Doing this a couple of times makes me feel at peace with myself.

In the end, it is very important to realize that it is nobody else who makes us angry. It is our thoughts and feelings which do so, and which are always in our control. In the same way nobody can else can stop you from being angry, only you can do that.

Why we should stay alone more often?

In our daily lives, we strive to and take pride in being busy. We like to see ourselves multi-tasking and bask in the glory of productivity when someone acknowledges us. We live with other people (whether family or friends), work in teams and do almost everything in groups. Or we always have our mobile phone, some book or movie, or the ever ubiquitous internet with us for company. Staying alone is what we end up thinking as a waste of time.

But man is essentially an individual. He was born alone and will die alone. He does talk and interact with other people in a number of ways but in a very primitive and biological way, man is essentially individual. Sitting alone for some time should not be unsettling or unnerving, like it sometime gets in our lives. In fact, giving some time only for ourselves could be one of the most enriching experiences ever if one tries to do so. And it can solve a lot of our problems. Problems which arise only because of our inability to stay alone with our thoughts.

If one can be content while sitting alone and don’t feel (or act on) the urge of checking what your friends are doing on social media or the urge to go out and shop and eat your favourite burger or pizza, a lot of our problems can just melt away. It can break the chains and bonds of normal life and we will longer need to be constantly busy just to match up with our peers and unnecessary comparison with others. Being busy, ironically, is the place where all our problems and stress arise out of.

I restore myself when I'm alone - Marilyn Monroe

I restore myself when I'm alone - Marilyn Monroe

If you think man is a social animal and cannot survive individually, think again. Man is not fish, and from time to time, he can (and should) get away from water (daily life). We will not die like fish if we spend some time out of water (alone). In fact, we can cherish our individuality and come back to our daily lives refreshed and replenished. A day spent alone from time to time will reduce the chatter of everyday life. You learn to listen to your thoughts, be aware of the different urges to be busy you will have, and then just let them be. And let me tell you, it is not easy to be alone. It can be very unsettling at first, and you can find many reasons to ‘do‘ something. But don’t let your ‘wanting-to-be-productive’ side deny you of your right to spend some time alone.

After some time, you learn to enjoy the quietness of things. You learn to notice the sounds of the birds chirping and the wind blowing. As the clutter of daily life melts away, you are left just with your inner thoughts. At this time, you will find yourself talking to yourself. It takes time getting used to, and you can always ignore your inner voice, but you must listen to it. Some quietness can leave with you with contentment, a new perspective, and a calmer attitude. In short, it can be amazing.

Solitude also makes us realize that our life is a blank slate with nothing in it, and it is our choice what we really want to paint it with. Our life is not about the tasks and the meetings we have all through the day which look unavoidable, but is about finding ourselves. Staying alone teaches us to be content with nothing and realizing that we can paint our life canvas the way we want. What would you call a person who is so busy reaching the destination that he never stops his car for refuelling?

Now what would you call the person who is so busy living life that she misses replenishing her own soul? We all need this refueling exercise of staying alone, and then we can take our life’s car wherever we want. So try sitting alone for some time, and just be quiet. Or perhaps take a long walk alone (like I do). Maybe start with small periods of time, and then increase the duration as you feel more comfortable with it. Just watch your thoughts in solitude but don’t act on them. Just listen, watch and be content. And you will soon realize you never needed anything more!

Are you Interested? or Are you Committed?

When one says he is committed to something, does it mean a trade? Does it mean that I will do this or that only if you do some other this or that? Does this commitment expect something in return from the other side? Will the commitment waver if one doesn’t get a response from the other side?

In my experiences over the years, I have realised that our aim should not, and cannot, be to make our commitment contingent on some external factor. If our commitment wavers because of a lack of response from the other side, then maybe that was not even commitment in the first place.

That is the difference between interest and commitment. If I am interested in some result, I will take steps to get that result. But it will be very easy to give up (in the case of an interest) when circumstances turn averse or not as expected. We no longer see the interest getting fulfilled, so we have every reason to back out. Fair enough.

But a commitment is bigger, it is a promise you make to yourself (more than anybody else) and then there are no excuses, but only results that matter. For example, a mother has commitment for her child, and she will even go hungry to feed her child. A mother doesn’t demand fairness from her son, she just loves her, for that is her commitment, irrespective of the situation or whatever obstacles life throws in front of her. As they say, any obstacle will have to go over her dead-body.

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” - Tom Robbins

“Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” – Tom Robbins

So how do we know if we are committed or just interested? Wait for the tough times as real commitment is only tested in the face of obstacles and conflicts, and that is what reveals the true character of all of us.

If we can let go of our attachment to the outcomes of our efforts and just focus on the fact that we are committed to do our best, we are more likely to achieve success regardless of how the world shows up. It will always be tempting to give up when we don’t see the outcomes we expect, and that is the threshold of ‘interested‘ and beyond that the world of ‘commitment‘ starts.

Every time we experience being upset, irritated or frustrated, we know our commitment is wavering. The question is, “Can we cross this threshold?“

And once we step into the world of commitment, we experience being calm, happy, at peace and confident, even in the face of harsh challenges. An interested person will get angry at an unexpected result, while a committed person will accept that fully, and take the next necessary action to stay committed to his goals without backing out.

If I reflect over my life, the times I thought were the toughest have given me the best lessons in life. I am really grateful for them for making me who I am today. These tough times have also taught me that we should not define success by the outcome of one’s results, but by the efforts being put in.

Being committed gives us the freedom of doing our best, yet be completely fine with the final result not being what we expected. No effort is a failure just because it doesn’t result in an expected outcome. It is a success if we gave our best!

If we notice carefully, this dilemma comes up in every area of our lives. Look at the things that frustrates you, or you got angry over? Were you interested or committed in that situation?

If commitment is present any setback would not last long. Be open to life’s little surprises, and experience its beauty when it does that. Allowing these surprises to happen without getting upset is one of the best things we can do to fulfil our commitments.

Bounce Like A Ball

What use is a ball which doesn't bounce? The same holds true for man

What use is a ball which doesn't bounce? The same holds true for man

Pounce
On every gasp of wind!
Bounce
Like you have never sinned!!

Trounce
On all negativity around you!
Bounce
To make miracles come true!!

Renounce
Any pain and fear in your heart!
Bounce
Like every day is a new start!!

Denounce
All that is sad and unfair!
Bounce
And show the world you care!!

Announce
To the world who you are!
Bounce
Light all around like a star!!

Thank God It Is Monday

Most of the time we wait for Fridays, so much so that the phrase, “Thank God It’s Friday” is a popular slang used by people to welcome the weekend. But if we think deeply, it means we live our lives for just two days of the week and wait for this weekend from Monday to Friday… I would say a very negative way to live life where we believe that only two days out of seven are meant to enjoy life.

Monday doesnt have to be boring

Don't let anybody else's definition of a Monday ruin a wonderful day today, create your own definition today

This phrase has become as much common as has “monday morning blues” which means monday is going to be another tough, boring day at work while the weekend is still away. It is often said that no one likes Mondays and it is very difficult to get out of bed on a Monday morning. And how do you think your Mondays will turn out when you wake up with such an attitude. Most often you will be late to office resisting that meeting or your boss, and everything starts to happen which you dreaded while waking up. Did you expect anything else to happen with such a defeatist attitude towards Mondays?

In different areas of our lives too, we have demarcated good and not-so-good periods which subconsciously affect our actions, even if we dont want them to… That is the power of language and the words we use in our lives. We say a lot of things without knowing and realizing that our words have tremendous power to shape reality. When we use phrases like Thank God It is Friday and Monday Morning Blues, we are unknowingly cursing our days.

Similarly, our words whether in spoken, written or in the form of thoughts have the power to transform the way we live, in a positive direction too. Using our words, we can instil hope, excitement, love and laughter in our days instead of fear, anger and hatred. So it is very important that we use the words we speak with care. Words can lift us up as well as drag us down. But the good news is that it is our choice how we want to use our words – to start new friendships or to start wars?

So as another week starts today, and another Monday awaits you. Go to work full of enthusiasm. Smile and greet everyone you meet today and give the gift of Monday to them too. Believe that you are going to do great work this week, and even the most difficult of tasks will seem easy.